Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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