Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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