I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
