You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
