We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
