I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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