so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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