Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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