You just made me feel so damn special
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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