You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
