I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
