Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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