I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize