someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
