She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
