someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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