It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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