The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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