tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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