I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
