I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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