She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
