my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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