Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
