Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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