hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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