you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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