I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
