Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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