i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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