you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
