I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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