Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
