True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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