I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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