I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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