Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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