honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
