So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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