Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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