I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My breasts were aching with rage.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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