I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
