you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
