saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
