I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
