The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
