So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
