woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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