TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
