Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm both gender and math confused
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
