The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
