saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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