Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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