I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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