How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
