i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
