Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
worst night to have a conscience
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
