Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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