but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
