Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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