I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
