There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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